These past couple of weeks I have been doing a lot of thinking. I've been thinking about my friends and family and life and myself. Most of my musing has led me to some big decisions. And others have just thrown me down a path of more questions and thoughts.
I think it's time that I let everybody know my biggest decision so far. I'm not going to college. There, I said it and it's in the open now. Don't worry I'm not going to waste my life sitting around watching tv and eating. I'm going to work for a semester and then go to college. I had been thinking a lot about the plans that I had for my college life and I quickly came to the realization that I had none. I didn't have a plan for a major, I didn't have any desire to apply for FASFA, I didn't even want to think about living on campus, an I didn't want to worry about actually doing my work.
Ever since I started thinking about college I had said that I wanted to take time off before going. I think the only reason I applied us because all of my friends were and they were telling me to as well. I know this isn't a bad thing, at least you weren't pleasuring me into the hard meth, but honestly that's the only reason I applied.
Then I followed through with trying to pick a major because everybody else was. I decided I was going to live in a dorm, even though I had no desire to and I knew I could stay at home for free, because everybody else was looking at dorms. I just followed behind everybody else.
However, over the summer I didn't spend too much time thinking about college and the less time I spent on it the less I like the idea of going. Not because I'm scared or because I found a little freedom. It was more because there wasn't anybody to push me through my decisions and tell me what they thought I should do. It was then that I realized what was happening. I was just going through the motions like a puppet and I don't think that's right.
I think college isn't right for me until I decide to get up and apply for classes and FASFA myself, without people telling me that I need to. Once college starts I won't have my friends to push me to study or go to class or manage time. I'll be totally responsible for that myself and I'm not ready for that.
Why start freshman year of college avoiding classes and wasting $8,000 because I failed my first year? I'd much rather go in ready to learn and take care of things myself.
So, I'm going to stay home this semester and work. I'll save the money that I'm not using on bills and when the time comes move out. I'll help my mom with taking the kids to school and I'll pull more hours at the sub-hub so Josh can have real father time with his child. I'll also go insane from staying in my parents house and still having to live by their rules. I'll want to kill my siblings and I'll want to stay out of the house as much as possible. I honestly think this is the kind of push I need.
My dad says I'm not allowed to stay out of college for more than a year and honestly I don't plan on it. I just need a little time to figure my shit out and then I'll jump into that pool head first. Don't fret my lovelies I'm not killing my future I'm just letting it sit on the side lines and learn from the game before sending it out into the cold harsh world (it's late. So just... Don't judge and pretend that made sense or whatever).
With that I leave you for the night.
LOVE,
Me! (Crystina)
